Happy Earth Day 2008!  In the two months preceding this special occasion, Mother Nature (aka the Earth) has gifted St. Louis with floods (plural), earthquakes (plural), and a random snowstorm.  Following in the footsteps of sushi and Members Only jackets, being “green” is not only the trendy thing to do lately, it is the marketing hook that companies are fishing with.  I propose that instead of trying to prove just how green you are, that we mark the day’s festivities by claiming our own environmental color coding system.  The Department of Homeland Security notes the threat level of the country by color, and in honor of Earth Day I would like us to embrace our threat to the planet with our own color coding system.  What color are you?

• Green: You live in a home powered by solar panels and grow your own food.  Since you are a vegan, there is no need to jump walk to the grocery store with your recycled canvas sack – everything you need is in your own backyard.  You make your own candles from the bee’s wax you collect when you are harvesting honey, and you make your own clothing from the hemp plants growing in that hidden field you hike to.  Your SUV smells of french-fries because you have converted it to run off restaurant waste for fuel.  It took a lot of ingenuity and hard work to get where you are today, and you probably aren’t reading this because you don’t waste energy by fishing the internet when you could be fishing for dinner.
• Blue: You are a low risk to the environment; however you are slightly vulnerable to the marketing ploys of European petroleum companies and other major corporations that only know how to reach your generation using an environmental platform.  Not only do you recycle, you exclusively buy products made from recycled materials and sustainable resources.  You don’t realize that the plants that process and recycle your biodegradable waste actually create a larger carbon footprint, so you you fill your plastic bin every week and place it on the curb for pick-up (by a separate trash truck that also runs on diesel fuel) or ride your moped to the closet recycling station with your waste in tow.  You might buzz to the corner local grocers on your moped or bike to pick up all-natural hand soap to scrub up after working in your container garden where you grow your own tomato’s and spices.
• Orange:  You know there is something wrong about littering (besides the fine) so you stamp out your cigarettes and put the butts in the ashtray of your mid-sized car.  You bring a ceramic coffee mug from your favoriate vacation spot to work to refill your coffee, and bring your own bag to the grocery store because you save ten cents off your grocery bill when you do.  You eat organic foods because the people who shop at the organic grocery store are ten pounds or more lighter than those at the corner bag and save, so you figure there must be something to this “environmentalist stuff.” But, you still loathe the scent of patchouli, and drive to the chain coffee shop a few blocks away because you are too hung over from the bon-fire the night before to walk the two blocks.
• Purple: There is no doubt, you hate the Earth.  You have the largest model SUV on the market today, a pick-up truck that has been grandfathered for licensing without emissions testing, and you drive them around for fun on a Friday night (filling up twice during the evening).  After you finish your fast food dinner and fill your super-sized drink with some vodka, you throw your trash out the window and keep cruising.  When you moved into your new place, you were given a free recycling bin, but you put that in a trash bag and put it out to the curb the next day.  You always ask for plastic bags at the check-out line, and you prefer to buy your groceries from a bulk retailer even though you live alone (throwing out something when it spoils is much easier than not having it at all).  You aren’t sure what a carbon footprint is, but you know you will kick the butt of anyone who gets that on your floors made from a rare Chilean wood.

The world is such a diverse place, you might not fall into one particular category.  I am like a crayon, a hyphenated color type, probably a blue-orange.  What color are you on Earth Day 2008?