There’s a game I like to play, called “Screw, Marry or Throw Off A Cliff.” (Just so you know, the game typically follows long bouts of drinking with the girlfriends.) The game consists of lists of three individuals – they can be people you know or random B-list actors, your pick. You play by deciding which of the three choices you would you would marry, which you would just have sex with and which you would… throw off a cliff. Clever moniker, no? There are variations – I’ve heard “Screw, Date or Marry” as well as “F@*^$, Chuck or Marry” but the basic premise remains the same. For the purposes of this article, I’m going with the oh-so-slightly more sanitized version.

We all know there are toxic men out there, men to be avoided at all costs. We also know there are men you can call for a good time, and then promptly erase from your phonebook. And, of course, we know that there are Cadillacs of men, the ones with plush interiors and premium sound systems. At least, I think there are. People keep telling me that there are. I’ll take their word for it. The question becomes, which is which? Fear not, dear reader! I’ll spell it out for you. A few examples, anyway.

Screw ‘Em. (Seriously. Screw ‘em. Get yours, but then go home to your cats.)

Captain Do-America - This is the guy that pours on the compliments… but they’re all of the generic, Schnucks-brand variety because he doesn’t quite remember what is so special about you. He’s the one that always introduces you as his “friend” when he bothers to introduce you at all. He’s the one calling you by some other chicks’ name when he texts you at 3 am. The upside to his serial dating? He’s had practice. And practice makes perfect… orgasms. But please double-bag it, ladies. You know exactly where he’s been, and that’s everywhere.

The Merry Metrosexual - This man looks good. He smells good. Like milk, he does your body good. But do you really think you can make a relationship, where fights over the blowdryer turn into nuclear holocaust, work? You deserve a man that cares about you as much as he does about what he sees in the mirror. He may be picture-perfect… but a picture won’t rub your feet or listen to you when you want to talk about your day from hell. This guy won’t either, because he’s too busy preening.

Freud’s Wet Dream - He loves his mother. No, really. He LOVES his mother. Think Shia LeBeouf., who recently said in an interview, “Probably the sexiest woman I know is my mother. She’s an ethereal angel. Nobody looks like that woman. If I could meet and marry her, I would. I would be with now, if she weren’t , as sick as that sounds.” Eww. So wrong, on so many levels. He’ll be a worshipful, tender lover. But that bag of crazy is best left unopened. You’ll never live up to the mommy-hype, so give it the best lovin’ you’ve got and then move on.

Marry ‘Em. (Or date them, or just realize their true potential. But don’t ignore them!)

Your Best Guy Friend - He’s the guy sitting quietly on the sidelines, listening and advising when you tell him of your latest relationship malfunction. He’s the one you call when you get a flat tire at 2 am. He’s the one that knows you better than anyone else and still adores you anyway. He’s the one that is always there for you, ready to make you smile when you cry and laugh when you smile. He is NOT the one that you look at in THAT way. But maybe you should try. You already know he’s good for your soul. Perhaps he could be good for a bit more?

Mr. Hidden Depths - This guy, he sneaks up on you. He could be the seemingly quiet guy that suddenly hops up at the wedding and leads everyone in a rousing Macarena. Or the guy that parties like a rock star, but then quotes Shakespearean sonnets on your answering machine. He’s the guy that surprises you, whether it be after a day, a month, a year. Point is, he’s letting you in, showing you he’s so much more than you originally thought. That HAS to be worthy of more exploration.

The Challenger - My personal favorite. This guy just won’t let you be. He challenges you to run that 5k, when you would have walked. To take that trip toItaly, when you would have stared longingly at your passport and gone to the Ozarks instead. He’d encourage you to demand that promotion, when you would have just quietly accepted your excellent review. It’s not fair to say that he wants to fix you. He simply has unshakeable faith in you and your abilities. At times, more faith than you have in yourself. There’s nothing more romantic than that.

Throw ‘Em Off A Cliff (otherwise known as Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200)

The Walking Wounded - Poor guy. He’s been hurt bad. Some woman cheated/played mind games/abused or otherwise chewed up his fragile, bruised heart. Now, he’s haunted by her, he needs constant validation that you love him and will never leave him, he needs you to play nursemaid to his various mental anguishes. He’s allowing her to live in his head, rent-free. That leaves no room for your toothbrush. You can’t fix him, believe me – I’ve tried. You can just sigh and hope that someday, he’ll come around. And that he’ll bring flowers to thank you for your patience.

The Green-Eyed Jerkwad - A teensy bit of jealousy is okay. Natural, in fact. Jealousy to the point where you can’t go out without him present to monitor your behavior, where he flips if you talk to your male second cousin at the family reunion, where you suspect he would pee all around you to mark his territory if he thought he could get away with it? That’s not love, honey. That’s prison and he’s the sadistic warden. A relationship without trust is like a mobster wearing concrete shoes. Dead in the water. Don’t take that kind of mental abuse.

Mr. “I Hit Because I Love” - Speaking of abuse, I know I don’t have to tell you this, ladies. But any man that hits you, any man that touches a hair on your head in anger, is not deserving of your love. The love he deserves? The kind he’ll get from Spike, inmate number 198067-12 at one of Missouri’s fine correctional facilities. Which is exactly where he should end up, should he try to mess with you. Hitting, slapping, pulling of hair, choking – these are only ok when they are mutually agreed upon, and when they involve a safe word. If he DOES hit you, know that it’s not your fault, you didn’t make him do it and you are entitled to a man that doesn’t see fists as an option. It won’t get better and if he truly loved you, he wouldn’t try to hurt you. There are places you can call, and I will personally come pick you up, make sure you’re safe and then help you incarcerate his sorry ass. Trust THAT.

Anyone else have any more to add? C’mon, it’s fun! Even without the wine, I promise.