Once upon a time, I dated a man we’ll call The Kid. The Kid was a nice enough guy, moderately intelligent, good-looking, fun. We got along well. That is, until he started talking to me. In baby talk. Words like “widdle.” Weird coos and strange inflections being tossed around like so many footballs. The first time it happened, I overlooked it, thinking to myself, “He’s never done that before. Perhaps it’s just a one-time thing.” But it happened again. And again. We’d be getting sweet together and all of a sudden he would be lisping at me like Truman Capote. Not okay. I asked him to stop a few times and he continued on, so you can imagine my response. It was something along the lines of, “NEXT!”

There are just some things that guys simply shouldn’t do around women. Gross things, stupid things, completely unsexy things. Who told them that these behaviors were acceptable? I have no idea, but this whoever it was should be taken out and shot. Seriously. So, for you gentlemen in the house, I’ve spelled out how I will react to just a few of these idiosyncracies. I’ll give you a few minutes to grab a pen and piece of paper. Take some notes, for craps’ sake.

I Am A Grown-Ass Woman, Thanks – We’ve covered this. Be a man. Speak like one. That is all.

I Don’t Believe In The Phone Call Bermuda Triangle – If you’re not actually planning on calling, then don’t say you’re going to. I won’t get mad, promise. If you say you’re going to call, then just do it. Or I’ll get irritated. Seemingly simple, but a lot of you screw this one up. If something happens to prevent said call, a quick text will suffice. Or a dozen roses after the fact, whichever you prefer. Just don’t make a habit of it. Remember the tale of The Boy Who Cried Call.

I Do Not Want To Date Jerry Seinfeld – Funny guys are a major turn-on, but if we are having a serious conversation I do not want to hear your jokes – I want to hear your thoughts on the subject at hand. Trying to diffuse the situation with inappropriate humor is like trying to diffuse a bomb with a jelly donut.

I Don’t Need To See Your Ooze – I used to have a book that spelled it out for me – “Everybody Poops,” and I am aware that farts are an unavoidable consequence of having a digestive tract. But FYI: I don’t really find your burping all that funny and the fact that you can say the alphabet while doing it? Not impressive. You know who will think it’s awesome? Your buddies. Save it for them. “Excuse me” is a pretty cool phrase for those times you just can’t hold it in.

I Don’t Think Like You – As a woman, I am pretty in touch with how I feel most days. It’s how I’m wired. So, you thinking that you know exactly what I’m thinking? You playing 20 Questions with my emotions? Not the best of ideas. Trust me, I have no problem expressing my opinions. Just wait for it.

I Will Diagnose Your Michael Jackson Syndrome – Crotch-grabbing is all right if you are pulling off a dance-homage to the King of Pop, but that’s only when it is alright. I don’t know what it’s like to have something dangling between my thighs, but I do know that if you must constantly itch, adjust or fondle that dangle in my presence… well, then you must need some anti-fungal cream or undergarments that offer more support. Get it together.

I Am Not Your Mother – You do things with me that you would never do with her. (At least, I certainly hope that’s the case. Ick. I just grossed myself out there.) So don’t expect my cooking to taste like hers. Don’t expect me to do your laundry exactly like her. I may adore you, but I won’t be cutting the crusts off your peanut butter and jelly sandwich until you have dentures that can’t handle the job on their own.

I Don’t Have The Same Taste In Women As You – That hot chick you just saw? Sure, I bet you’d do some dirty stuff to her, but I don’t need to hear about it. Nor do I need to be subjected to you looking like a swoony cartoon character (eyes popping out, tongue lolling away) as she passes. Keep your eyeballs in their sockets, boys. There’s this thing called peripheral vision. Learn to work it. I certainly have.

I’m Potty Trained, How About You? – I am aware that you have different plumbing and are presented with a few distance-related issues when going to the bathroom. But there are times when it looks as though you haven’t even tried to hit the toilet. You can flick a paper football into a finger-field goal from 20 feet but you can’t hit the toilet from a few inches away? I find that difficult to believe. And please put the lid down. Nothing says you love me like you making sure I don’t break my tailbone on a sleepy 3 am bathroom run.

Like I said, these are just a few for your general entertainment. Ladies, feel free to comment if you can think of more. Guys, we women are pretty predictable. We like respect, we like promises to remain unbroken. We like to be treated like ladies. In most situations, anyway. We’re not your pals, though we can be your friends. Treat us with the care we deserve and we will respond in kind.

*Hopping off soapbox*

Lauren is the Sex and Relationships Editor for Girls Guide. You can check out her personal blog, Sociopathways, where she talks about her thoughts and adventures in St. Louis. You can contact Lauren by Emailing her – lauren [at] girlsguidetothegalaxy [dot] com, and you can follow him on Twitter – @buddhaqueen077.