I’m stepping out my sports realm here for a second, into a world I am vaguely familiar with. Because, let’s be honest. Outside of sports and politics, generally speaking, I really am familiar with nothing. But, for a run down: Cardinals clinch the central division, the college football world suffered upsets from seats 4, 5 and 6 (and many others) and my fantasy football team is 2 and 1 (what, what!). That’s my sports update. Now, onto something a little more perplexing… the Twitter.

I don’t tweet. I don’t have a twitter account. I’ve never had a twitter account and I highly doubt I ever will. And if I do get a twitter account, it will be to stalk- I mean, follow businesses. Melody, our dear managing editor, likes to tease me about my lack of twitterness. I mean, it only makes sense that I tweet considering I contribute to a blog, right? Wrong. I refuse to tweet. There are several reasons for my anti-twitterocity. Here are my top five as evaluated by, well, me.

1. No one cares. Seriously. I don’t know anyone who would follow my tweetage. All of my friends either e-mail me, call me, talk to me in person or, GASP, write me letters. So, if I were to tweet, I would be tweeting to random people I don’t really know (creepy) or to an internet pit of people who all think that they are eating the best things for lunch, are more annoyed at the dmv than any human has ever been annoyed at the dmv or that their opinion on the latest celebrity meltdown/outburst/rehab assignment has merit. I think not.

2. I don’t have the time. I barely have time to floss in the morning because I cling to every millisecond I get of sleep with utter desperation. When I do have time to sit on the internet, I am checking my previously mentioned fantasy football team, reading cnn.com for awesome articles like this, checking the weather, breaking my heart by browsing for dogs on strayrescue.org or looking at pictures my best friend in Seattle has posted from her most recent trip that I am infinitely jealous of (most recently: Spain and Portugal).

3. I don’t want to remember any more passwords. I have to keep a little mini notebook of passwords for all of the stuff I do online. Bank, e-mail(s), facebook, espn, gap.com, cell phone account, etc, etc. They’re all different because I am a paranoid freak. To fly my freak flag even higher, the “security hints” make no sense whatsoever. They are in a code I dreamt up and never bothered to write down. This has gotten me in trouble as I have been trying, for about six months, to delete my myspace that has been inactive since, uh, well, senior year of college? I also don’t want to have to think up a clever twitter name. I am all out of clever!

4. I blog and I comment on blogs. Okay, I don’t have my own personal blog (this goes back to the whole, people who pay attention to me already know me, and pay attention to me through methods other than a blog). But I blog for Melody here at the Girls Guide. And I like it a lot! It gives me a chance to get all opinionated on something that really doesn’t matter in grand scheme of things: sports. I was baffled when Mel told me that people were talking about one of my posts, that it had generated a rather spark-tastic debate. I checked the post and there were maybe two comments. (Insert confused Annie here) Two comments did not signify said spark-tastic debate, at least in my mind. I asked Melody, “Where’s the debate?” And she was all, “Oh! It’s on Twitter! Duhz!” And I was all, “Oh, zonks.” This made no sense to me! Why would you comment on someone’s article on YOUR twitter rather on THEIR article? I just… I am lost. I don’t comment on my own site about someone else’s blog. I comment on their blog. Isn’t that how this is supposed to work? Like, that’s the whole point of being able to click on the comment box under peoples’ blog posts. I don’t see a “Go write on your twitter about this so the writer doesn’t know people are reading their stuff” option on many blogs. Okay, ANY blogs. But, I guess maybe that’s a way to bring attention to the blog? Or your site? See how lost I am? I have talked myself into a circle! Why put a middle man in between the reader and the writer? Lost!

5. When it comes down to it, I really have nothing all that interesting to say that can be said in 180 characters. If I posted something like, “Annie is tired” and got comments from people I would have to tell them they are wasting their time. I don’t want to waste peoples’ time. Totally not my goal in life, if you know what I mean. Surely the internet has more to offer than, “Annie is tired.” Or my thoughts on how my shoes are uncomfortable, or how I desperately need to vacuum or whatever random thought that stumbles out through my fingertips. I also don’t want to spark political debate via le interwebz because, inevitably, it turns into uncivilized bashdom of peoples’ thoughts, whether or not they are taken from unsupported sound clips or educated readings and research. I mean, how would I be able to accurately portray my political thoughts of “I’m down with Jesus but don’t think he should have anything to do with politics, I’m cool with gay people, don’t spend money on crap that doesn’t give back to you and by you I mean the whole country and its population, I can’t get the idea of legalized pot through my head without screaming BUT IT MAKES YOU ACT LIKE A MORON AND IT SMELLS SO STINKIN’ BAD, don’t even get my started on guns because I make no one happy when I start on that subject, and No Child Left Behind will only result in our children being turned into monkeys who cannot think for themselves!” into 180 characters without causing a festival of hate from pretty much any direction on the web?

Maybe I missed the twitter boat. Maybe I don’t understand the proper use of Twitter. I could understand twitter for newspapers or museums or some kind of business that would use it to promote some kind of offer or exhibit or story. Twitter for Girls Guide makes sense. It’s a way for Girls Guide to let reders know there’s something new for people to come over and see. But twitter for me? For lil ole Annie? I don’t have anything to promote about myself! Twitter for other people? To each their own, I say. Twitter for me? I shall pass.

Texas Tech’s football team may have illustrated another reason to not Tweet. Bashing your coach through Twitter, generally speaking, is not a smart move.

Back to me, though… Did I just miss the tweet boat and make myself sound like an 85 year old grandma? I have found myself wrapped up in a blanket while watching Wheel of Fortune a lot recently…

Annie is the Sports and Fitness Editor for Girls Guide. She writes about all kinds of sports related topics and then really goes out and plays sports almost every evening. You can contact Annie by emailing her at annie [at] girlsguidetothegalaxy [dot] com, and we are still trying to talk her into getting a Twitter account – no success yet.