I am not an angel. And though my mother claimed that you can estimate a person’s I.Q. based on the number of curse words they use, there are times in life when even hyperbole doesn’t express the way I feel. For example, my outrage when knocking over and shattering a coffee mug before I have brushed my teeth can’t be appropriately expressed using the words, “darn,” “shoot,” or “shucks,” nor can stubbing my toe, or finding that my dog has consumed money or articles clothing. The same thing can be said for my reaction after my first bite at Five Guys Burgers and Fries. I didn’t blush when I said it, but I am sure that I have now been flagged by some indecency database (or stupidity, if my mom was right)…

No matter how you feel about things that come out of D.C. and land in the Midwest, this hand-me-down from the suburbs around Capitol Hill finds it’s strength in it’s simplicity. Foodies tend to get a lot of the attention (and they use up more than their fair share of of the adjectives when it comes to writing about it, too), but it doesn’t take a refined palette or an appreciation of multi-syllabic ingredients to know an effing-awesome burger when you take a bite from it. And unlike places that would kick me out for cursing with delight at their dishes, you don’t have to be a genius at ordering to get it that way at Five Guys either. Getting what could very well be Plato’s burger in the cave only requires a couple of decisions -

1. Do you want one patty or two? The burgers all come with two, juicy and well-done double patties, and the “little burgers” only have one… I guess thats what makes them little.
2. Do you want it with cheese or bacon, or both? There are basically four types of burgers on the menu, and hotdogs as well, but focus – we are talking burgers that make you curse here: hamburger, cheeseburger, bacon burger, bacon cheeseburger. That’s it.
3. What condiments do you want? The list of burger toppings is straight forward – lettuce, tomato, pickle, the usual suspects – and you can get ‘em all or none for no charge.
4. Fries? That’s the only side they need. The fries are cut by hand everyday and you get enough for two.
5. Then get your soda and peanuts, and sit your butt down.

It’s really that simple, even down to the decor. The place isn’t all fancied up, and there aren’t posters of new menu items screaming in your face while you try to enjoy what you finally decided to eat.  Seriously, they even serve the burgers wrapped in regular old tin foil and the fries in styrofoam cups… while not the most earth friendly, they do tell you exactly which farm your ‘taters are from, and they are cooking with trans-fat free stuffs. When all you have to worry about it making the best burgers and fries you had better get it right; that’s the philosophy that has made Five Guys a nationwide favorite and one of my favorite dining spots way out west in St. Louis.

Five Guys Burgers and Fries is located at 1002 N Ballas in Des Peres (in the same plaza as the fancy Schnucks) and 790 N. New Ballas in Creve Coeur. They are open from 10am until 11pm daily, and head their warning: keep the neighborhood kids safe by not taking home the free peanuts.

Melody is the Managing Editor and resident Gadget Geek for Girls Guide. She is a freelance writer for blogs and such, and her primary focus is Girls Guide. You can email her at melody [at] girlsguidetothegalaxy [dot] com, and you can follow her on Twitter- @cosmosgirl.