Let me preface this post by saying that I love the Cardinals.

And I’m not writing this as if all girls are ‘dumb’ and don’t know anything about sports. On the contrary, I know some dumb girls who know a ton about sports, and some borderline geniuses who can’t tell a Hostess Ding Dong from a hockey puck. But I know at least one girl who doesn’t make keeping up with sports a priority. Me.

Yes, I watch the games. I get tickets and go with my friends. I go on spurts where I can’t get enough (usually this happens every other year when the Olympics are on). I love to watch the top ten on Sports Center.

And I’ll say it again, I love the Cardinals.

However, I’m going to be honest. If I lived in Boston, I would probably love the Red Sox. If I called New York  home, I’d probably sport a classic Yankees cap. Heck, I bet if I lived in Chicago, I would love the Cubs (ah the humanity!).

I love all the things that are associated with baseball- summer, hot dogs, beer, boys, competition, America… I just don’t follow it. In fact, if you asked me to name as many Cardinals’ players as I could think of, I would probably name just four or five. And I’m sure at least one of them would have already been traded.

Further proof: I once bought a navy blue hat with a cool ‘D’ design on it (get it, my name is Danielle). When asked what this ‘D’ stood for, I said, rather matter-of-factly, “The Dodgers.”

“And where do the Dodgers play, Danielle?” they asked.

“Um duh, Brooklyn.”

For all of you gals out there scratching your heads, let me explain. The Brooklyn Dodgers do not exist. They haven’t existed in like a hundred years or something. They now play in LA. (I know, crazy, right?!)

What’s more, the ‘D’ on my hat wasn’t even the symbol for these so called LA Dodgers, it was for the Detroit Tigers. Epic fail.

If that story doesn’t prove my lack of baseball knowledge, I’m not sure what does.

Now, I know what you’re thinking:

“Great, wise Danielle, if you know so little about baseball, how on earth do you manage to survive the rabid Card’s fans prowling the mean streets (and bars and living rooms and backyards…) of Saint Louis every summer (and, potentially fall)?”

Well, lucky for you, I’m willing to share some expertise. I knew I couldn’t do this alone, so first, I contacted my sports-loving friend BJ Rains, who covers all things Cardinal’s for the St. Louis Globe-Democrat.

Step one, knowing some players. According to BJ, the ‘obvious’ ones are Albert Pujols, Matt Holliday and Yadier Molina, but also keep an eye on Brendan Ryan, who is entering his first full year as the starting shortstop; Colby Rasmus, who is ready for a big year in centerfield; and Brad Penny, a pitcher in his first year with the Cardinals.

To help you sound smarter than you really are, here are some buzzwords to sprinkle in your daily speech. If you still don’t understand these words… don’t ask me. I won’t be able to help you.

Foul Pole: the yellow poles on each side that determine if the ball is fair or foul. Fair is good, foul is bad. Ironically, its called the foul pole but a ball is fair if it hits it.

Bullpen: the area where the pitchers warm up

In the Hole: term used to describe the third batter that’s up, behind the batter and on-deck hitter

Squeeze Play: when the runner steals home from third base as the batter bunts the ball to score him

Hit-and-Run: when the runner steals and the batter swings at the pitch and tries to hit it no matter how good or bad the pitch is

Once you’ve got those down, you can use these statements as conversation starters (My strategy? Let the other person do most of the talking):

Do you think Tony La Russa will retire after this season?

How much money are the Cardinals going to have to pay Pujols?

Colby Rasmus seems to be a lot more confident at the plate this year.

Did you know Brendan Ryan got kicked off his college team?

How can Adam Wainwright lose the Cy Young Award last year when he had more first place votes than anybody else?

If you’re really looking to get into the Cardinals’ spirit, definitely check out BJ’s coverage at the Globe-Democrat, and he also recommends ESPN and the Cardinal’s website for some great coverage of the team. Above all, BJ’s offers this bit of final advice, “Have fun! Baseball is a great game if you give it a try. Some say it’s boring but that’s because they don’t give it a real chance.”

And now, it’s my turn to dish out the advice. I may not know much about the actual game or the actual players, but I do know a lot about having fun during baseball season, and I’m kind enough to share some of those tips with you.

First, Grab a beer. Notice I did not say cocktail. Baseball = beer. And no, not Miller. We live in Saint Louis. Our stadium is named Busch Stadium. Enjoy your Miller (or Boulevard or Sam Adams or whatever) some other time. Go with a Budweiser product, please.

Do not wear pink. Our colors our red. Not pink. And there is no glitter on the Cardinal’s uniforms, so get rid of that too.

On that same note, go buy a Cardinal’s shirt (just to reiterate, not a pink one). You don’t have to spend tons on an authentic jersey. I’ve seen Card’s shirts at the mall, at Target, even Walmart, for around $10.

Take some initiative and get the group together to ‘watch’ the game at a bar. BJ suggests the bars around the stadium (think Al Hrabowsky’s, Shannon’s, J Buck’s), but says his favorite place to watch the game is at Sports Zone on Watson. Really, any sports bar will work- just make sure they have lots of TVs and bucket specials (on the aforementioned Budweiser products).

But what games are the good ones to watch? All of them, duh. But if you need some specific dates to put on your calendar, BJ says to plan for the Los Angeles Angels’ series May 21-23, and anytime we play the Cubs (in Saint Louis August 13-15). Bonus points f you plan on taking a trip to KC to watch the Cardinals destroy to Royals the last weekend in June (I’ll be there!).

Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Even with all these hints, there is no way you’ll be able to come off like some kind of baseball guru. Don’t worry about it. Nobody likes a know-it-all anyway.

Don’t worry about sounding dumb. What makes an error an error? How do you say Schoendienst? Why are their pants so baggy? These are all questions I have asked while trying to get my tan on and enjoying a hot dog and brewski at Busch Stadium.

And above all else, hate on the Cubs. I don’t know why, just trust me on this.

Photo credit- zazzle.com

Danielle is the Television and movies Editor  for Girls Guide. You can check out her personal blog, Addicted to Television, where she talks about her television obsession. If you want to give her free movie passes she wouldn’t be shy in taking them, so you can email them to her at danielle [at] girlsguidetothegalaxy [dot] com, and you can follow her on Twitter – @daniellesmyname.