Then, everything changed.

In the late 1970′s heavy tariffs and quotas were placed on sugar imported to the US.  In an effort to save money, beverage (soda) companies started to look for a cheaper alternative to sugar. By the late 1980′s most had converted to using high fructose corn syrup in place of cane sugar.  Due to heavily subsidized government incentives the cost of converting corn into a sugar substitute was far cheaper for companies like Coca-Cola than, ironically, using the “real thing.” (For a great look at the other effects of this subsidy check out the documentary “King Corn“) Michael Pollan, acclaimed foodie and novelist, refers to the move to subsidized corn as a  ”system that produces a lot of cheap corn… resulting in a lot of cheap fast food.” Foods like soda.

So what does this have to do with Mexico?  Because the US farming subsidies don’t exist south of the border it was never economically feasible to rework HFCS into the Coca-Cola recipe and Mexican Coke is still good ol’ sugar, just like the kind you used to put in your Kool-Aide.  This of course leads to discrepancies in taste – big ones. The fans of Mexican Coke claim that it’s smoother and lacks the saccharin aftertaste of it’s American counterpart (to which I agree).  Meanwhile on the other side of the fence (not that one) American Coke spokespeople claim that there is no taste difference, and HFCS was engineered to taste just like real sugar.

What’s most interesting is the bootleg movement that’s sprung up around Mexican Coke.  It’s like a real life “Smoky and the Bandit” except no one gets arrested and Burt Reynolds keeps his shirt on.  Many grocers and beverage suppliers are now shipping Mexican Coke into the states despite the taxes and tariffs associated with the transportation.  These sodas, which were once only available in the taquerias off Cherokee Street are now easy to find on the shelves of Straubs and even Costco (though I’m still waiting for Piña soda to go mainstream).  Apparently there are also certain bottlers that will produce a special variant of Coca-Cola during the passover season; you’re supposed to look for the yellow caps and the use of ‘sucrose’ in the label. Of another interesting note are the few bottlers in the States that never switched over to HFCS.  Dublin Dr. Pepper in Texas still produces the original Dr. Pepper sweetened with cane sugar, you can purchase bottles off of their site.

Pepsi has now released it’s own versions of real sugar, actually a blend of beet sugar and cane sugar, sodas.  Both the Pepsi and Mountain Dew Throwbacks feature this new additive; I’ve tried both and wasn’t too impressed but I’m not a Pepsi fan anyway.  My coworker, an avid Dew drinker, prefers the HFCS version to the sugared version as the later lacked the “bite” commonly associated with the drink. Though I’m a huge proponent of eating locally grown and sourced foods, I have to say that Mexico and it’s Coke has won me over. It’s subtly sweet taste and lingering, smooth never sharp finish is worth a visit to the market for a look.

Archie is the Dude in residence for Girls Guide. You can check out his personal blog at MightyFineCerealFlakes.com where he talks about whatever strikes his fancy and pontificates on pop culture, you can Email him at archie [at] girlsguidetothegalaxy [dot] com, and you can follow him on Twitter – @archiemck.

“Where the Wild Things Are” isn’t a kid’s film. It’s not that kids probably won’t like it; they’ll roar out of the theaters and want new halloween costumes that evening. But I would even wager that a good handful of them won’t even catch Max’s (the protagonist) eventual transformation and begin their own “Wild Thing” antics at home. What becomes quickly apparent is that kids weren’t Jonze’s demographic and because of this, most of them will probably start tuning the film out after the first twenty minutes.  ”Wild Things” takes us on a wild rumpus from reality to a child’s wildest  fantasy – a world that’s feral and untamed, catering to their most devious fancy. There are monsters and forts, dirt fights and talking animals, even sailboats and caves; that’s the basic story at least, but there’s also another story. For those who look just a bit under the surface they’ll find the mind of a child. A movie that is full of the things we don’t like to remember from childhood: lonesomeness, fear, uncertainty; Jonze has created one of the most creative and beautiful films about the emotional journey that we all must take to control the “wild things” inside our lives.

Jonze basically takes a short (10 sentences short) story and uses it as a sort of emotional template for his own creation. He doesn’t try to keep the movie tied to the original story line, though there are still the obvious connections and memories, but turns the film into the mindset of a child.  The film isn’t as much a child’s story as it is a story about being a child.  If every other children’s movie is about remembering the tangible aspects of life and the eventual conquering of them, “Wild Things” is the opposite.  It doesn’t seek  to conquer the hardest parts of life as much as it admits and wishes to find resolution with them. If you pay close attention you start to see Max’s personality in each one of the “wild things”: rage, criticism, fear, shame, selfishness. Eventually a balance is struck with the wild things that belies our own arrangements with the internal chaos of growing up.

“Where the Wild Things Are” turns a children’s story into a film that reaches to the depth of who we all are.  Wild things stand as a haunting reminder to adults of where our feelings can take us, and how important it is for us to tame them. There are wild things within each of us, they are dangerous and can (as implied, quite frighteningly, in the film) consume us if we’re not too careful.

Now, let the wild rumpus begin!

Archie is the Music Editor and Dude in residence for Girls Guide. You can check out his personal blog at MightyFineCerealFlakes.com where he talks about whatever strikes his fancy and pontificates on pop culture, you can Email him at archie [at] girlsguidetothegalaxy [dot] com, and you can follow him on Twitter – @archiemck.

Long before the days of Axe there was Cool Water and, perhaps worse, Tommy and it’s estranged cousin Polo.  I use the term “covers” because some guys liked these fragrances to walk before them in the halls and let everyone in a room know where they were sitting.  They were noxious fumes and at many times I imagined smoking in school was against policy simply because of the fire risk posed by having perfumed teens in the same rooms as open flames. What I learned then is that our scent can communicate far more than our actions…

Scent can conjure up almost any memory we’ve stowed away.  The smell of a Douglas Fir can remind us of a certain Christmas morning; running, pajama-ed, into a dim room long before school hours to a surprise or perhaps lurking disappointment. There’s the smell of your father, of your first home; the smell of funnel cakes always takes me back to my first Six Flags trip and a nasty episode involving a turkey leg and the Ninja… Even the offensive smells, ie: school locker rooms, are able to whisk us back to the days of our youth.

What guys often fail to realize is the memory that they’re giving you or leaving you with. Too often we’ve all walked into the elevator behind the guys who abuse their cologne and paid the price for their own poor judgement.

There’s two trains of thought when it comes to wearing a fragrance. The first mentality involves letting your cologne do the talking, in the same way that a highway billboard does.  You can’t drive on Kingshighway and not notice the Colt 45 signs and you can’t walk past (insert name here) without knowing that Macy’s was having a clearance on Aqua di Gio.  Sadly, when you let your cologne do the talking it mostly sounds exactly like that sign on Kingshighway, and “Works every time” isn’t what anyone needs to be advertising. The second mentality thinks of a fragrance in the same way you’d think of say, the soundtrack to a movie; it’s there and you remember it but it’s always in the background to what’s going on, adding intensity at the right times and letting you know the scene has resolved at others.

Here are some guidelines and suggestions to helping your guy smell like your guy and not a mass produced sales’ slogan.

• First of all either go cologne shopping together or drop him a hint by buying him something that’s not offensive. – It’s always a good idea to find a smell that you both can stand or daresay, enjoy. Do this by going together. Keep in mind that different things smell good on different people so try the samples, take some home, remember you’re the ones who have to live with it.  There is no one size fits all in the world of fragrances and not every guy can smell like tobacco and Old Spice.
• Don’t skimp at the register.  (Related: don’t go to Macy’s.) Cheap colognes smell, well, cheap.  Learn the difference between a eau d’toilette and a eau de parfum and know that quality ingredients last longer and are more consistent throughout the day.  A cologne should always smell the same, quality ones do.
• Find something that’s unique. -A great scent is even better when it’s your own, some of the most memorable people have some of the most memorable (and unique) smells. If you need a good place to start check out Creed’s Green Irish Tweed, it was created for Cary Grant.  Go smell that and tell me you can’t picture a scene from North by Northwest.
• Sick to quality brands -Think Creed, Hermes, Cartier, Dolce & Gabbana… These are more exclusive (read: unique) and higher quality than most.  As an added bonus they also spend plenty of time on the actual designs of the bottles, so you won’t mind it cluttering up the bathroom.

These are just a few suggestions to get you on the right track.  Know that helping your mate find the right scent is a escapade that will pay for itself for years to come and one you might remember, well, forever.

Like the fact that a man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.

That a woman always has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

No, I won’t go there.

I will instead give you two instructional videos from two of my favorite video bloggers. I say “favorites” but I’m pretty sure I don’t watch enough of these to have “favorites.”

The first is from a girl, Ms. Bridgett Dale, who currently blogs for ABC Family and has over 450 video posts floating around on the web.

The girl’s perspective:

Cute, quirky and, well, girly.

Next, up is Mr. Iralandia, a Californian ex patriot who now lives in Baja Mexico.  Recently Ira became the unofficial spokesperson for Pacifico Beer.

The guy’s version:

Improvised, out of focus and swinging a machete.

Conclusion: Girls are girls and guys are dangerous.

Archie is the Music Editor and Dude in residence for Girls Guide. You can check out his personal blog at MightyFineCerealFlakes.com where he talks about whatever strikes his fancy and pontificates on pop culture, you can Email him at archie [at] girlsguidetothegalaxy [dot] com, and you can follow him on Twitter - @archiemck.

One of my favorite things to do when summertime rolls around is venture into downtown Kirkwood, not only is it picturesque (and also great place for a date and a walk) but it’s home to St. Louis’ best snow cones.  When I say snow cones I really mean shaved ice, but shaved ice just doesn’t sound near as delicious.  Tropical Moose, or “Tro Mo” for the initiated, is home to one of St. Louis’ coldest treasures, the snow cone equivalent of a Ted Drewes concrete. I was in high school when some of my Kirkwood friends convinced me to go to this “snow cone” stand/shack buried in the back of the Kirkwood Farmers’ Market and I didn’t have very high expectations.  I was expecting something akin to the snow cones handed out at carnivals that after about 5 minutes lose their flavor and turn into a ball of ice that is about as enjoyable as, well, a ball of ice.  What I received was something far more memorable.

It can best be described as an art, mostly due to the many variables that need to come together to make the perfect snow cone: the quality of the ice, the consistency in which it’s ground/shaved, the amount of syrup, the flavor of the syrup  (walking the thin line between overpowering but enough to make it more than slightly flavored snow). Tropical Moose has more than earned their place in the history books.  Their ice is perfect, more akin to the stuff you’d find on the Vail back bowls than behind the glass at the carnival.  The ice at Tro Mo is smooth, even and the perfect background for the next, and equally important, ingredient: the syrup.  Not only are the flavors themselves outstanding, they always deliver the right amount in the pour so you’re not stuck with any watered-down taste.  Part of Tropical Moose’s allure is it’s close ties to the community, and this is no more apparent than in it’s flavors – everything from “Monkey Snot” (a personal favorite) to “Motor Oil,” but also including the old stand-bys like “Tiger Blood.”  Each week management posts a “Flavor of the Week,” a concoction devised by one of the many employees or customers that can’t get enough of the summer treat (this week’s flavor is called “James’ Palm Tree – A tropical blend of pineapple, coconut & strawberry). The weekly specials can range from mundane mixtures of tropical fruits to more unconventional brews like the  ”Hogwarts Express” or the sensational “Watermelon topped with Hawaiian Sea Salt.” For the less adventurous there’s always the allure of free nerds and sprinkles, or the sublime addition of a scoop of ice cream to your snow (great with the Wedding Cake flavor).  There’s also the always enjoyable “Volcano,” or the addition of pop rocks on your snow cone that will satisfy even the oldest visitor’s inner 8 year old.

If all of this weren’t enough don’t forget to bring your four legged friends as well, Tro Mo offers a special “Canine Cooler” which has something to do with liver… As owner Jack Williams would say about any of his 50+ flavors, “It’s Snow & Magic!” I couldn’t put it any better.

Tropical Moose now has three locations (Kirkwood, Webster Groves, and Creve Coeur) and is open until labor day, you can also catch them on Facebook and Twitter as well.

Archie is the Music Editor and Dude in residence for Girls Guide. You can check out his personal blog at MightyFineCerealFlakes.com where he talks about whatever strikes his fancy and pontificate on pop culture, you can Email him at archie [at] girlsguidetothegalaxy [dot] com, and you can follow him on Twitter - @archiemck.

This past weekend the babe and I took some time off to partake in a hallowed St. Louis tradition, the Lake.  Of course if you grew up in St. Louis there’s little need to clarify what lake because even the phrase “the lake” brings all kinds of images to mind.  For those who didn’t (weren’t fortunate enough?) grow up in St. Louis, whenever someone mentions a place merely as “the lake” what it translates to is “the Lake of the Ozarks,” a man-made, serpentesque stretch of water that has a surface area of over 1,100 miles and fits somewhere in between Springfield and Branson.  

It exists as a hodgepodge of classic and not so classic Americana, from ten foot tall outdoor statues of indian chiefs to five star lobster tail dinners and of course the infamous “party cove.” Sadly we weren’t able to snap many pictures of the weekend, we don’t carry cameras all that often and left the iPhones at home because experience has taught us that pontoons and electronics don’t mix; not at all.  Some of the more memorable events included the abundance of local television commercials (and their accompanying mullets) and floating, or more accurately, sitting on life preservers in the muddy water and appreciating the finer points of a 104 degree heat index (as I’m writing this the yet-to-peel dry skin on my shoulders is itching like crazy).

So, since I was unable to share the latest of my family vacation adventures I thought I’d share the next best thing with you: someone else’s. I often times find myself navigating the root cellars of the Interwebs, generally wasting several hours of my life and having nothing to show for it, last week I hit pay dirt.  I present to you the Barstow family.  

In 1956 the Barstow family won a trip to Disneyland after entering a a Scotch Tape contest, they filmed it and titled their trip “Disneyland Dream,” some forty years later, it arrives in all it’s glory on the Internet. What could be a good collection of family vacation video from the fifties is turned into Internet gold by the narration of Dr. Robbins Barstow (the Dad) as he recounts adventures and events while inserting his own brand of cheesy oddball comments into the edited(?) 8mm film.  Add to it the fact that the entire trip seems to act simply as scenes in their road trip home video it’s everything that makes family vacations the awkward and amazing animals that they are.  Mix in homemade, matching red “Davy Crockett” jacket (no surrey but plenty of fringe) and children insisting on having particular hats for each park and you have an instant and Library of Congress approved classic.  

Enjoy: Disneyland Dream (1956)

Update:  According to The Disney Blog, Steve Martin (the actor) makes a cameo in the film around 20:20, he was 11 years old and sold guidebooks in the park!

If you have the time and the attention, there’s more to be found here, Apparently the Barstows also made several month long trips visiting all 48 states in the US (Hawaii and Alaska weren’t a part of the USA yet).  If the rest of the film, like 2 hours, is as good as the introduction then it’s worth the watch.

As Americans we have our apple pies and our red, white and blue, but I would estimate that there’s not much that is more American than the noble hamburger.  This high-born entree has graced the table of every American, our kids grow up on them and even our presidents indulge from time to time.  Though it’s roots may be a bit hard to track down with any real accuracy historians agree that the magnanimous hamburger had it’s first brush with fame right here in the Lou.  In 1904 Fletcher Davis traveled from Texas to the St. Louis World’s Fair to peddle his “unnamed” sandwich.  A reporter for the New York Tribune found him and wrote from the fair of a new sandwich called a hamburger, “the innovation of a food vendor on the pike.” Sadly Davis’ hamburger cart is long since gone but there remain a number of mouthwatering incarnations of this 1904 treat still in St. Louis.  Here’s a few of the local varieties that are worth the drive:

Carl’s Drive In. From the moment you walk into Carl’s it’s as if you’ve jumped back in time. Carl’s has been right off Manchester for more than 50 years and little has changed since Carl Meyer founded the place. From the fact there’s only eight stools underneath the old Formica counter-top to the homemade root beer (which today’s IBC is rumored to be based on) everything here is the real deal.  The burgers are flat and crisp, packing a savory crunch that is more than satisfying. Be sure to get there early enough to grab a seat at the counter, only inches from both the kitchen and a few feet from the door.

Clancy’s Irish Pub. A bit of a hidden jewel, it’s located in Chesterfield, what Clancy’s lacks in location it more than makes up for in taste. The folks at Clancy’s know their meat (it’s currently in it’s sixth generation as a family owned butcher store) and this is no more apparent than in their made to order burgers.  Clancy’s offers three different size burgers, the smallest at 6 oz and the largest topping out at 12 oz, all of which is made in the attached butcher shop (apparently by their “left handed butcher O’Randy”)  The beef is then tenderly seasoned and balanced on a french roll with your choice of condiments.  The burgers are big, juicy and tasty and one of the best burgers west of 270.

O’Connells Pub. There’s only a few real Irish pubs in St. Louis and O’Connell’s is one of the best, they also offer one of the finest burgers, Irish or not.  Located in what was once referred to as the Gaslight District the pub has served it’s 10 oz (a timid estimate) burgers since 1962.  What O’Connell’s does best is cook a fine burger (though I would be remiss not to mention the roast beef and fish & chips as well).  There’s not much fanfare, as the beef is unseasoned and burgers are delivered on paper plates, but the cooks know their craft and deliver a perfectly cooked and deliciously juicy patty on every visit.

The Royale. I’m not sure what I like more, the burger itself or the fact that you can order a “Royale with cheese,” and I may never know.  What I do know is that The Royale makes one of the best hamburgers in St. Louis.  I’m not all that familiar with the different kinds/grades of Kobe beef, they get theirs from Australia, but it makes a burger that is more than deserving of the $10 price tag. What you get is a melt in your mouth piece of beef, full of flavor and juice that has few competitors, both locally and elsewhere.  Add some of their homemade sweet potato chips and you’ve got a winning combination.

Is your favorite St. Louis burger joint not mentioned?  Tell us about it!

I got my first taste of westerns on TNT or TBS (one of the “T” stations) back when they had more than just Law and Order reruns. It was always hit or miss and I preemptive decided that I was not so much a fan of Westerns. This stayed with me for awhile, In fact it wasn’t until I ran across a copy of Red River that I really started to pay this American staple any interest.

What the western does best is deal with the thin lines between good and bad.  They search and explore what it means to face your fears and make a living in a harsh world that would sometimes just prefer to see you dead. The best way to think of any western is perhaps more like a “dudes” version of a soap opera. Of Course, it’s a better story and (mostly) better acting but it follows the same pattern, people each with their own dreams and shortcomings, talents and doubts. Take that and add guns, horses and the occasional romance and you have yourself a winning combination. So here’s a few films to fill up you Netflix cue and add a little more Cowboy to your evenings in front of the TV.

The Searchers (1956) The definitive Western.  A beautifully shot film directed by “one of the old masters,” John Ford and featuring an incarnation of John Wayne that is perhaps his best and most complex.  On it’s face The Searchers is a movie about a journey undertaken by two cowboys to both avenge fallen family members and “rescue” a kidnapped young girl but what makes it a classic is that which is under it’s surface. It is a picture of America, what drives it as well as it’s divisive and severe shortcomings; it has been called “the best American movie, or at least the most American movie.”  This was the last “real” cowboy movie and was the first to examine American Indians as more than a cliche’; A must see on any list.

High Noon (1956) One on the more “human” westerns it starts with a sheriff (Gary Cooper) who has gotten married (to none other than the beautiful Grace Kelly) and decided to leave his past behind him by resigning as sheriff.  The situation is complicated when he finds that a man he helped put into jail is free and returning to town bent on revenge. What sets this movie apart is the way it tugs simultaneously on our sense of duty and our sense of community, the hero stays around to help but resorts to asking for help from the public (which was unprecedented in the genre). Cooper is stellar as both the hero and the man who is cracking under the pressure, “I’m not trying to be the hero, if you think I like this you’re crazy.”

Rio Bravo (1959) Rio Bravo exists as a direct challenge to High Noon and because of this it’s heroes stand alone in handling their problems. The film’s director, Howard Hawks, felt that the “professional” should never ask for the help of the “amateur” and after publicly denouncing High Noon set about work on his own interpretation on the “laws of the west.”  What we’re left with is a wonderful story of grace under pressure as a trio of “do-gooders” must place their lives on the line for the sake of justice.  The movie is carried by it’s main cast both evenly and effortlessly.  John Wayne plays the strong and silent type, Dean Martin the troubled but like-able sheriff and Walter Brennan as the perfect character actor and comic relief. They just don’t make movies like this one anymore.

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969) Though this is more of a bromance than a western it makes the cut both for it’s reinventing of a genre and it’s ability to have a good time.  Redford and Newman, both quintessentially American, play two cool (or too cool) train robbers who are trying to find a place in an old west that is rapidly disappearing. The story is a bit loose but the sheer chemistry between the two main characters keeps this movie in the list of classics.  Add a great script, explosions and an iconic ending and you get the stuff that myths are made of. Highly Recommended.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1966) One of the most famous of westerns and definitely the most successful Spaghetti Western, The Good, the Bad and the Ugly quickly became a classic.  Though I’m no a huge Clint Eastwood fan this film is worth the mention as it was the first western to embrace the idea of the anti-hero in the form of a cowboy, turning the American icon on it’s head.  What’s most noticeable is the style of the director, every scene is larger than life. The camera is sporadic and ventures from extreme closeups to intense action sequences devoid of any dialog.  Even the sounds are highly stylized from complete silence to chaos, guns don’t go bang, they go boom. Though this sets the stage for Eastwood’s Dirty Harry character his two co-stars steal the show with their onscreen performances.

The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance (1962) Probably my favorite film in the list this was Ford’s last great masterpiece and perhaps the follow up to The Searchers. In like fashion the movie centers around two men who couldn’t be more different: the gunfighter (John Wayne) and the senator (Jimmy Stewart).  Wayne is the man who pacified the west with a gun and Stewart is his counterpart, the “civilized” man who can bring both law and order without the violence of Wayne’s character.  Ford seems to treat both of these characters as equals, unique and important pieces in the fading idea of the American west, one ushering in the past and the other the future.  It’s a fitting, if not sad, conclusion to his great westerns as it is the audience who must decide who really is Valance’s killer.  We are simply left with a line that I think sums up this entire post: “This is the West sir. When legend becomes fact, print the legend.”

Myspace was THE social network. Was, of course being the key term, what happened was something unexpected: user corruption.

That’s not to say all users, in fact if you’re reading this you were more than likely not a member of the “customization zealots.”  The members of this group adhere to one philosophy and one philosophy alone: self-expression.  Users who live in a world where communication is second to a dazling mix of animated bumper stickers and glitter infused flash animation.  They believe one must have a hidden, seemingly un-findable music player blaring some awful top 40 song from 2003 each time a new page is loaded and a cursor that changes into an animated image of a unicorn blowing kisses whilst running on a rainbow…. This is what killed Myspace.

When Facebook first launched it was the perfect social site.  Membership was closely regulated, user profiles were based on a rigidly simple interface and your “friends” actually consisted of people you knew, or at least knew of.

Then your mom got on Facebook.

Somehow this snuck up on all of us, somehow we let down our guard in this social site garden of Eden and through it all, tragedy struck. Not only has Facebook run rampant but now even Oprah is on Twitter pushing out poorly constructed attempts at sentences and/or conversation, occasionally in all CAPS. This must stop!

So here are some friendly tips and reminders on how to remain appealing and “friendable” in the digital age, brought to you by The Dude.

10.  Findability. Sure it’s cool to reconnect, in fact that’s pretty much what social media exists for.  With Facebook we lost the ability to spy on those outside our network (without their approval in the form of a “friend request” or a “know that whatever happened ten years ago is over and I want to judge you by your profile” request first).  But who doesn’t like to know what your homecoming date from freshman year is eating for lunch today?  Who doesn’t want to see who people are still friends with and what high school sweethearts ended up married with 2.5 kiddos?

But If I didn’t hang out with you outside of having a locker next to yours or I never got around to telling you my last name: don’t ask to be my friend.

The over-arching theme here is creepiness, if it “might be” creepy it is.

While we’re on creepiness be sure delete your profile from Myspace before reading any further. (as well as the 33 friend requests from the girls/guys who failed the first “Rock of Love” casting call)

9.  Teachers. There’s something unsettling about seeing your HS teacher outside of school.  It’s most likely that this first glimpse into the fact that teachers are people too irrevocably changes our worldview and we can no longer believe the universe in all it’s entirety exists within our personal life experience… Well, something equally profound happens when we encounter these folks on FB.

8. Personal Information. This falls into two sub-categories, A. Updates and B. Pictures

• A.  There is a thin yet distinct line between saying “At the zoo” and “The first two kidney stones are out but… etc”  Learn where these lines are and live by them. (Girls: apply the same rules to childbirth terminology…)
• B.  As interested as I may be in who you are dating my interest is not in seeing your homemade engagement/making-out pics.  This kind of behavior is of course implied by your relationship status, which leads us to…

7. Relationship status. Sure this is important and personally relevant.  I love my wife and I want people who know us to find her.  I, however, do not care how many times you and so and so have broken up and gotten back together nor do I find it the least bit interesting.  When in doubt that a “relationship” might not make it past the two week mark, for the sake of your digital friends, simply abstain from indicating a change in your status. It’s hard but I know you can do it. Also under this category is the ubiquitous “it’s complicated”  misnomer.  Simply put FB is not  Dynasty.  If “it’s complicated” it’s either non-existent, is a fantasy that involves you and only you, or it needs your immediate attention; if that is so you should then be off FB and living in the real world where people actually have a “relationship status.”

6. The Tagger. These “friends” exist to accumulate embarrassing photographs of everyone and then post them on FB immediately tagging you and every one of your extremities (hands, feet, back of your head) in the frame.  Why one would do this to said “friends” is beyond my understanding and offends all maner of social graces into which I was raised.  Sure we’ve all done regrettable things that somehow managed to be photographically documented… it’s painful enough knowing they exist, if you’re not getting paid to do this then let The Enquirer work for their money.

5.  Mob Wars. What does that even mean?  All this does is remind me of the little “games” I used to play during homeroom on my Ti-82.  Were they even that much fun to begin with?  So no, I do not want to play your “game” for the 1,343 time.

4.  Baby pictures. Notice this was plural.  It’s not the casual baby picture that bothers me, it’s your child, by all means it should be a part of your life.  However, that is not the freedom to upload ten photobooks worth of pictures documenting Jr. finding and eating things in the carpet.  (Note:  Pictures that will likely resurface as embarrassing reminders of the awkward stages of life when your child is in HS, when posted as tongue-in-cheek for laughs are perfectly acceptable and welcome)

3.  High Schoolers. Like all things young people aspire to be a part of, there is a reason this rule exists.  Yes, it’s mostly for our sake but it’s also because we’ve learned to reign in all the behavior that first corrupted Myspace.  Furthermore it’s never a “treat” to stumble across that pic that your 12yr old brother posted of you walking around the house in your pajamas at 2:00AM that he thought was “hilarious!”

2. Spammers. It’s great to get a friend request, it’s a boost to your ego and perhaps your station in life.  It is not, however, fun to get a friend request from a spammer.  Will I get a virus by clicking on your message?  Are you disguised into looking like an actual person and then am I more disgusted to find out that you are, in fact, an ad?  Did you request to be my friend because you hacked my friend’s page and are declaring your intention to hack mine as well? Also of note are your “friends” who are now self proclaimed “Internet Marketers.” These individuals  will attempt to “friend” you under the flag of friendship but at the first “Exclusive VIP party at (insert trendy yet poorly staffed casino/Nelly party)” will leverage all of their “friends” for their job, in a manner similar to someone pushing you in front of the bus.  Un-friend accordingly.

1. Politics. You know that old adage that if you had a million monkeys on a million computers that you could randomly end up with a Shakespearean playbill?  Well another thing you would end up with is Twitter on a presidential debate night.  Politics are annoying enough to discuss with people in person but are far less tolerable from people whom I barely remember from highschool.  Your weekly message about Obama being a “Communist” or Palin being as “unqualified as a janitor” do nothing to influence my political stance but rather solidify your position as someone I will never talk to again.

From the moment you walk into Sears and purchase your first Weber, you will start hearing advice on how to use it.  Some will swear by charcoal, others will say using a gas grill is in fact the only way to cook food outdoors.  Still more will talk about which kind of wood chips they prefer, and some will even mention a contraption called a smoker… no, it’s not what you’re thinking. Just know that all these methods are fine, all will produce a better piece of meat than your local Ruby Tuesday.

Disclaimer: I could sum up a great weekend in two words “High Life” (yep, like grandpa and cans are always better than bottles) but I’m afraid there needs to be a bit more to this to make it an actual post. I also recommend throwing a great album like The Band’s “Northern Lights – Southern Cross” or Billy Bragg & Wilco’s “Mermaid Avenue” on; these steps alone will greatly improve your chances of having an amazing Memorial Day weekend.

For the sake of classic Americana I’m only going to cover the lighting of a charcoal grill here.  If you have a gas grill just jump to the bottom of the post and check out the cooking tips as the first few steps won’t matter for you.  I’ve heard great things about wood/hickory chips but have little experience with them. I’ve always used charcoal briquettes and I’m comfortable with them so those are the steps I’m going to talk you through.

Clean yo’ grill.
If it’s charcoal remove the ash and bits of charcoal from the last time you used it.  This will affect both the fire (air flow) and the taste of you meat.  Also be sure that the grill itself is clean and free of gunk. If it’s dirty just rinse it off and go over it with some steel wool or a grill brush until it looks nastiness free.

Ring of fire.
You should notice that your grill has two racks in it (sometimes three): a small one near the bottom and a larger one on top.  The smaller rack is used to hold the coals and the larger food.  Some grills have an upper, third, rack that is for vegetables and fish, but each rack should be pretty obvious working from the bottom up.  Go ahead and remove the top rack(s) so you only have the lower one to deal with. First you need to stack your briquettes; this is where it takes a bit of finesse.  For this step you may also use a chimney starter, they help produce a fire without having to fool with too many chemicals, not necessary, but helpful.
Before you stack the briquettes (or put them in the chimney) be sure to spread them on the lower grill rack.  Ideally you want the entire rack covered with about an inch between each square, simply add or subtract bricks until you get there.  At this time also make sure the lower vents on your grill are open, they’ll be too hot to touch later.

When you stack the briquettes try to make it as much like a pyramid as you can.  In theory is you are trying to create a column of heat so the charcoal lights consistently and evenly.  The more you grill the more refined your method will become so don’t worry too much about perfecting it just now.  Next, if you’re not using a chimney, and your charcoal doesn’t already contain a lighting agent, add your lighter fluid.

When it comes to lighter fluid it’s extremely personal, some people like fire and singed eyebrows – others don’t.  All you need to worry about is making sure that the fire is spread evenly around the base of your pyramid, not a bonfire but a consistent flame.  Also be sure to squirt a bit into the center of your stack to help even out the blaze.

Match, Set, Game.
Now it’s time to light your fire (feat. Elvis).  Since this might be the first time you’ve done this, try to grab the long safety matches when you’re grabbing the rest of the grill fixin’s – there’s no need for blisters on your hands as well as your shoulders this weekend!  For this step all you have to do is light the outer edges of your pyramid.  Start at the point furthest from you and work clockwise around the stack, easy as pie, just don’t burn your self. The flames will go out, that’s how it works, so don’t worry about trying to add more lighter fluid.  Charcoal doesn’t flame as much as it smolders so you should start seeing the briquettes turning white and chalky.  Ideally you will see the inside of the stack glowing red, once your charcoal is mostly white you’re ready to move on.
Most charcoal brands take about 30 minutes to really get going so use this time to get your meat (or veggies) grill ready, but we’ll cover that more in a bit.
After your charcoal is warmed over you want to spread out the coals over the surface of your grill.  Carefully use your grilling tongs to move the stack into an even layer on the lower rack.  Next it’s time to put  the upper grill back on.
Once done wait about ten minutes before putting any meat on the rack.  This does two things: It helps sanitize your cooking surface and it gives your grilled goods the grill lines that you love to see in those Outback commercials.  You can also use the warmed grill to remove any gunk still on the grilling surface, just brush it down with your grill brush. Again, be sure to be careful, the grill is quite hot at this point.

My compliments to the chef.
Be sure that your meat is room temperature when it hits the grill.  I know this sounds weird but in the end it will turn out better because you have more control over an evenly thawed burger than one that is cold in the center.  It doesn’t take too much work to make a great burger; I like to use a combination of garlic powder, seasoned salt and Worcestershire sauce but there are tons great recipes out there, so feel free to experiment with things.  If you’re cooking steaks as well, look into some of the various marinades out there – they help to season and tenderize your meat which equals a better steak.
The real key to grilling meat is how you cook it, or rather, how you let it cook.  One of the biggest mistakes people make is being overly involved in the cooking process.  You should only flip your meat ONCE, maybe you can get away with doing it twice but any more than that is going to take away flavor and texture.  Get online or crack open a copy of “The Joy of Cooking” and figure out what cook times work for the meat you’re cooking, put it on the grill, close the lid and stay away! Keep you eye out for flames, which can burn your had work away, but don’t touch the meat if you don’t need to. Also, whatever you do don’t push the meat down on the grill with your spatula!  I know they do it in the movies but all of that juice you’re squeezing out is flavor and each time you do it will make your food that much less tasty.

Before you walk away be sure to arrange the meat so it’s not directly over any flames that may have popped up.  Consistent indirect heat is always better than direct flames; if you don’t watch this you could end up with a burger that’s extremely crispy on the outside and almost rare inside. Once you’re up and running try to remove meat from the grill right before it gets to your desired “doneness.” Grilled meats have a tendency to cook a bit more after you’ve removed them from the heat.  Keep this in mind and let the meat sit for three or four minutes before you serve it, you won’t be disappointed!